The Perfect Comeback

Have you ever had that experience? The experience of thinking of the perfect comeback long after the moment has passed. My life has been punctuated by these moments. As it turns out, these moments aren’t always about thinking up insults or twisting the knife of irony in the heart of someone who hurt you. Sometimes you get good ideas that you wish you could go back and use.

Last night I was on the way home from work. I was going by subway which I don’t usually do so that I could go downtown to do a quick bit of grocery shopping and pick up a weekly transit pass on the way. I stopped at the ATM at the station and picked up $80, about half of that was destined for the pass, and the remainder was pocket money for the next little while. As I walked to the counter, I passed the food counter where what appeared to be a heated argument between the cashier and a 50-something eastern-european woman customer she was serving. Ever the voyeur, I pulled the earbuds from my ears in time to gather the fact that it seemed like the woman was haggling with the person behind the counter – or maybe asking for money. It was hard to say and I rushed off to the other counter where I bought my pass.

Having purchased the pass, I went to the subway station and took a minute to head for the Tim Hortons in the station where I could grab a muffin and refill my travel mug as I had been so sleepy on the bus that I considered riding the bus through its entire route, having a nap, and entering the subway a couple hours later. Having refilled my coffee and carrot muffin in hand, I headed down to the subway and was on my way. In minutes I had finished my muffin, was blissfully sipping my coffee, an umbilical cord connecting my ears to the comfort of my ipod. A couple stops in I looked up from my paper and there was the woman from the store looking at me with a note in her hand. I’m embarrassed to say that I only gave it a cursory glance: “No money…something something…two kids…blah blah…spare money…God bless you” I reached in my pocket to find some spare change but had little more than a few cents. I asked her to wait a moment and dug out my wallet and pulled a $5 bill and gave it to her. She thanked me and I put my headphones back on. A second later she hadn’t left and had said something. I took out my headphones again and asked her to repeat what she had said. “Can you give me more than $5?” Reflexively I responded “no…sorry.” She went on her way through the car and was summarily denied by everyone else in the car. At the next stop she moved down to the next car. and probably worked her way through the entire train.

As she walked away several thoughts went through my head. My first thought, embarrassingly enough, was one of “why isn’t she grateful – I gave her $5! And who knows what she’s really going to spend the money on.” As I thought more about it, though, I waffled back and forth – maybe I should’ve given her more – what I gave her would be recouped by the time I finished catching up on my email at work Monday morning. I gave her little more than I spent on coffee and a muffin without the slightest consideration. Thinking back I’m reminded very much of this song.

It took me another 4-5 stops to think of the answer that probably would’ve worked better. I could have offered to take her grocery shopping. The subway line I was on has at least three large grocery stores connected directly to the subway station. In fact, I was on that line instead of my usual bus route because I was planning on going grocery shopping myself. She’d have no worries about personal safety since the stores were only steps away from the train and I’d be sure the money went to her kids. Why didn’t I think of it earlier?

I think Buddhist psychology explains this phenomenon fairly well. Our minds walk the well-worn paths. If we are constantly thinking of ourselves and the standard urban responses – either to ignore or to give a bit of change and then feel self-satisfied then different ideas don’t come easily. We follow the path, get to the end, give the response and then move back to our ipods, our books or our staring out at the subway tunnel walls. I just need to slow down, get off autopilot and really think about what is happening around me. It is also difficult to be reminded of the existence of suffering in the world. It is also difficult to think of the existence of suffering that isn’t deserved. It is far easier imagine a drug problem, a drinking problem or even an abusive spouse the likes of which we’re too smart to end up with. So we make up 30 second stories in our mind about their being evicted from their apartment after selling all of their stuff to buy crack. Then we do what we can to end the encounter as quickly as possible lest we find out otherwise.

That’s something I admire about Paula – Paul’s namesake. In situations like I ran into she stops, she listens to what the people’s stories and literally does everything she can to help them. If she has it and they need it, she’ll give it to them and figure out what to do for herself later. Yes, it backfires on occasion and yes, she’s been taken advantage of. But at the same time she always knows she’s done everything she possibly can and has actually been present through it all instead of making up the fictional life-story, ignoring them, throwing a bit of money at them and then running back to the relative safety of a book. Her account of the same initial experience could well have read:

“So I met this woman on the subway who was about to be evicted from her house and she had two kids. She asked me for a bit of money and I looked in my wallet and only had $40 so I asked if she would mind taking just the $40 and if she had time she could come with me to the grocery store for a few things. We went grocery shopping and when we checked out I helped carry her things to her apartment. After that we looked at the apartment ads in the paper and found a place a bit cheaper. She had the money for the first month but not the deposit so we went to visit the landlord and I helped out with the deposit. The next week I drove over in my station wagon and we loaded it up with all of her things and helped her move to her new apartment.”

Of course it doesn’t always work out that well for her and has been known to ride an emotional rollercoaster as a result. But it is inspiring to see what she does nonetheless and know that somewhere between my reaction and her reaction there is very likely a happy medium.

Anti-Terrorism

It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry – I think the last timemight have been after my business trip to the US. It’s nice to have Sage doing nearly-daily entries because then I don’t feel terribly guilty aboutwriting only when I’m really inspired to. Sometimes I think if I were todo a daily entry it would end up being something like:

1. Woke up and got on the bus for work. Listened to a few podcasts.
2. Got to work. Sorry but due to confidentiality agreements I can’t tell you what I was doing or where I did it. I can tell you that I had afairly good day.
3. Went out for [insert type of food]. Delicious as usual.
4. Took the bus home again – listened to all of my podcasts in the morningso I just put the ipod on shuffle and read a bit of the newspaper. Canyou believe [insert latest current event here]!?
5. Got home – cooked dinner and spent a few minutes with Paul and Sagebefore collapsing into bed.

Okay – if my life were really that dismal I think I would be terminally depressed. As it stands, I’m actually in some of the highest spirits I’ve been in in months. I’m hoping it isn’t from the fact that I am back on coffee as of about a month ago. All it took to push me over the edge were a couple of tired mornings listening to the Whole Wheat Radio rant. The beginning of the rant always starts with the sounds of coffee being made and by listening to Jim and Esther becoming more animated throughout the rant as they drink their coffee. But the good news is that I only have 1-2 cups per day instead of the 5-7 or more I used to have.

Yesterday I had to stop at the library on the way home from work. This library happens to be in a shopping mall so on the way back to the subway I stopped at the food court for some (very delicious) Lebanese food. As I was paying for the food it occured to me that the man behind the counter (I think he’s the owner – he’s there all the time) has very likely had to deal with US soldiers running around his home.

I thought a bit more and realized that that is probably true for a fairly large number of new Torontonians. Just looking at restaurants alone (because I think with my stomach, maybe?) I came up with this list: Vietnam, Korea, Japan, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Italy, and Germany. I know I’m missing a bunch. It also made me think about just how crabby I’d be if I had to live with US soldiers driving up and down Bloor street, seeing US navy aircraft carriers out in the lake or living with USAF fighter jets flying over Toronto. So invasive. (Right, Todd, that’s why they call it an invasion.)

Thanks to a recent discussion, I got interested again in gender issues. I took out “Real Boys – Rescuing our boys from the myths of manhood” (again), and also got “Reviving Ophelia” and “The War on Boys”. I’m really going to try to read all three of them though the latter two I already have an attitude about. Don’t get me wrong – I believe there are issues, but those last two books seem to think that they’re in competition for who is more oppressed – teenage boys or girls. And both of these books think that the “system” has to do something about it. I might piss a few people off by saying what I’m about to say, but I don’t think that the problem is entirely with the “system”. “The man” is not conspiring to beat down girls. Feminists are not conspiring to knock boys down a notch.

Here’s what I think. I think that the answer to the problems posed by both – by all three books (Real Boys is more onto this solution, though), is that more support and involvement is needed at home. Reviving Ophelia laments that teenage girls have poor self image. I agree – this is a huge problem. The answer is not to change the media to be more encouraging of girls. The media’s job isn’t to encourage women to be strong. The majority of women’s magazines are ad-supported. Their advertisers don’t benefit from empowering articles about how you can be independent, how you don’t need a boyfriend all the time and how being above the optimum weight is alright. Articles like that would render the ads ineffective and send the advertisers to another market.

The answer is to provide positive role models at home. Why are you surprised your daughter is bulimic when all you talk about is how the Atkins diet is so much better than the Jenny Craig diet you were on weeks ago but that you’re giving some thought to trying the bite diet. Don’t make your kids concerned about what people say behind their backs by telling your spouse “Did you see Susan? She put on a bunch of weight!”

And violent boys? Quit using violence yourself and you’ll get a whole lot further. Frustrated, dad? Don’t be afraid to cry instead of putting your fist through the wall. Quit flipping off the guy who cut you off in traffic. Quit supporting war. Show compassion, show empathy, show consideration.

You can’t send your kids out in the world without tools and standards to understand and cope with what’s out there. Teach them alternative viewpoints, but give them the skills to know how to consciously fit in when needed. Believe me, it comes in handy when you go to a job interview, try to go through customs, or just have a civil dinner at a decent restaurant.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I think the system only has something to do with how our kids end up if we let it. If we never see our children, let them watch TV constantly and get their sex education from magazines we’ve abdicated our responsibility as a parent. Don’t wait for the system to change, it is made up of people. Don’t expect the people to change – you have no control over them. Change yourself and watch the world change around you.

I’ve been thinking about this – this large change caused by small groups of individuals. Look at 9/11, for example. A handful of people were able to totally change the world. What if the same sort of approach were used, but for good not evil. How would the world respond to anti-terrorism? (For lack of a better word). What if you got small cells around the world poised to perform large-scale random acts of kindness? What if a group of a dozen people, for example, under cover of darkness and during a snowstorm, quickly and anonymously shoveled the walks of an entire neighbourhood? What if a half-dozen people walked in to Tim Hortons and bought the next 100 coffees for everyone?

I’m sure there are some even better ideas than that. Surely if something hugely bad and hugely unexpected could occur and change the world, what would happen if something hugely good and equally unexpected happened? Would it possibly create optimism in the way that fear of terrorism has created pessimism? What if there were a coordinated operation in several cities around the world? It seems to me that so much of what everyone complains about is “the system” and lamenting that it can’t be changed.

But what if you just quit expecting it to change and made your own changes instead? Just a thought.